Is your billionaire ripe for slaughter? Congratulations! You’ve survived to late-stage capitalism!
It’s no small feat for a society to have raised 1 billionaire, let alone 900+. And those are just the billionaires in the United States! Other countries contribute even more billionaires to the total harvest. It is time to reap what we have sown, after decades and decades of hard labor!
Capitalists teach us that the economy is cyclical, that booms and busts are a natural part of a healthy economy. Sure, people get laid off. Sometimes families go hungry. That’s just the way it is.
If the billionaires had given you a bigger raise, they might not have made enough money in the second quarter. It’s vital that the billionaires keep growing, even when many families face bankruptcy for simple medical procedures. The entire point of Capitalism is to slowly build massive wealth, accumulate power to make more wealth, and store value for society. Only then can we harvest what nature has created!
But, how?! You ask. Is it even ethical to harvest billionaires??
Of course it’s ethical! All billionaires live incredible lives right up until their harvest date!
Really, the only question you should be asking yourself is, “What’s the best tool for the job?”
Though no society has been in our exact predicament, many previous societies have experienced massive wealth inequality. That’s when a few people own everything, and everyone else struggles to buy a house, pay for groceries, or get medical care.
Fortunately, a few societies throughout history have given us some pretty good examples of what to do when you’ve got a plump, ultra-wealthy elitist class that is ready for harvest.
We’re chefs, not historians. But it didn’t take us long to find some excellent examples of how society has dealt with the problem of accumulated wealth.
Meet: The French Working Class, 1792
Like us, the people of France were pretty fed up in the 1790s. The government couldn’t figure out how to tax fairly, a terrible recession had persisted for years, and people were struggling to find work and put food on the table. (Sound familiar? Keep reading…)
Like today’s global capitalist system, 1790s France had allowed enormous wealth to accumulate in the hands of a few individuals. We’ll leave the political and social details to the experts, but essentially, the French went about the task of redistributing wealth like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. Right to it.
However, after their initial few harvests of ripened aristocrats, they noticed how inefficient their efforts were. It took two or three good whacks to chop a head clean off. Even if you had a whole group of aristocrats rounded up, it would take all afternoon to harvest! Almost too slow to be worth the effort.
Let Them Eat Cake
Apparently, the ultra-wealthy elitist class didn’t seem to care that everyone was starving. Even as poor, unemployed French resistors started executing people in the streets, the aristocrats couldn’t be bothered. None of the wealthy elites would pay the medical bills when a poor stable boy was run over by a rich businessman’s carriage. The wealthy were busy hosting parties, buying golden drapes, and building ballrooms.
What did they care if the peasants were hungry? These problems were beneath them. They were ultra-wealthy, and therefore ultra-important.
But the working-class French were industrious and adaptable. For centuries, monarchies around the globe had used devices with large blades and a simple mechanism to behead their enemies. With the same love and passion they put into cuisine, the French reworked and optimized this device.
Behold – la guillotine was forged.
No longer would workers have to chop through a whole crop of the ultra-wealthy with nothing but a machete to harvest the accumulated wealth of society. The French officially entered the machine age of harvesting and were able to extract society’s stored value with minimal time and effort.
People made it a social affair – crowds gathered to watch the privileged elite lose their status in a tribute to the betterment of society. With renewed vigor and the guillotine, the French set about their important work. During the French Reign of Terror, about 17,000 people were guillotined – showing how incredibly efficient the device is!
The Guillotine Diet
In our modern society, we face a similar problem. A handful of billionaires could ensure that no one who contributes to our society is left out in the cold. Yet, they choose not to contribute enough to solve society’s problems. They all claim that giving to charity preserves more freedom than taxation, yet they don’t donate enough to charity or pay their taxes. Enough is enough.
Billionaires spend money on political campaigns to ensure that they continue to accumulate wealth, despite the ongoing suffering in society that they could so easily remedy by giving up a small portion of their power and wealth.
I don’t know about you, but that makes me angry. Angry and Hungry.
So, join us if you’re ready to embark on the Guillotine Diet and finally move some of society’s excess value back to the people who created it in the first place.
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