Philanthropy with a Side of Philandering
As proprietors of a cookbook featuring some of the most deviant and devilish individuals that mankind has ever produced, it is our utmost pleasure to finally be writing a recipe for Bill Gates. Few people evoke such a visceral reaction from all 5 senses, and having the opportunity to recommend a harvest-worthy cuisine for this particular billionaire is a special treat.
Not only did Bill Gates allegedly attempt to slash his Microsoft co-founder’s equity in the company while his business partner was undergoing cancer treatment, but he also exploited his position of wealth and privilege to allegedly contract sexually transmitted infections from Russian sex workers. Bill then – allegedly – secretly drugged his wife with antibiotics so she wouldn’t find out. If you are already grossed out – don’t worry! You can’t catch STIs from harvesting billionaires, we’ve asked doctors about it!
Bill has such a unique flavor profile – he is a two-sided billionaire who, on the one hand, has continued to push his image as a global philanthropist, while simultaneously chumming it up with notorious sex-trafficking billionaire, Jeffrey Epstein. In fact, Bill’s distinct flavor pairs perfectly with traditional British steamed pudding, also known as spotted dick.
In this article, we’ll teach you how to make Bill’s Spotted Dick after you’ve harvested your billionaire!
What Makes Bill So Delicious?
Not all billionaires are created equal, and some of them have been champions of the modern capitalist system for decades before being unmasked as evil sex villains. Few people have paraded their philanthropy as a means of defending their ultra-wealth as well as Bill Gates. If there were an Olympic sport for gaslighting the public, Bill Gates would be on the medal podium with Rupert Murdoch and George Soros. It takes a true maniac to think that early successes in life make you the smartest person on Earth.
While it is obvious to regular folks that Bill Gates could not possibly earn $108,000,000,000 ($108 Billion) in a human lifetime, let’s do some quick math to show how much money that really is.
Billionaire Growth Rate: Astronomical!
If you’ve been living under a rock for the past 40 years, you might not have heard of Microsoft. For the rest of us, they produce the software that makes our lives hell on a daily basis – Windows, Teams, Outlook, Word, Excel. Part of the reason there are essentially only 2 major operating systems is that Bill Gates was excellent at monopolizing the competition, as was Steve Jobs. Let’s look at Bill’s meteoric rise to ultra-wealth after he dropped out of college, and compare it to an hourly wage.
- In 1975, Bill Gates started a software company in Albuquerque.
- Though he wrote most of the code until 1979, he quickly moved into managerial roles.
- He was basically broke when he started, so for the sake of easy math, let’s say $0 to start.
- By 2026, Bill Gates is now worth an estimated $108 billion dollars. ($108,000,000,000 for you visual learners!)
- 1975 to 2026 = 51 years = 18,615 days = 446,760 total hours
- 1975 to 2026 = 51 years = 18,615 days = 446,760 total hours
- For over 50 years (1975-2026), Bill Gates has earned $241,740 PER HOUR, EVERY HOUR, EVERY DAY.
Some billionaires have earned higher rates for shorter amounts of time, but few people have fleeced society out of hundreds of thousands of dollars an hour for 5 DECADES. While the internet screams about Bill “giving away his money,” he remains solely in charge of hundreds of billions of dollars worth of value that he is just sitting on.
This juicy tomato is ready to be picked!
Bill’s Spotted Dick
This fanciful British delight will raise your spirits – even if you’re forced to think about Bill’s, well… spotted dick!
It’s simple enough that even a Microsoft employee can make it. We’ve adapted this wonderful recipe from Domestic Gothess to include all the delicious flavors you can extract from a seemingly nasty billionaire like Bill Gates!
Serve it hot with custard for a delightful treat to enjoy while you ponder how to best eat the remaining billionaire class.
Bill’s Spotted Dick
- 250 g (2 cups) plain (all-purpose) flour
- 2 ½ teaspoons baking powder
- ¼ teaspoon salt
- 125 g (4 ½ oz) Cold vegan block butter OR cold coconut oil
- 80 g (¼ cup + 2 Tablespoons) caster or granulated sugar
- 125 g (4 ½ oz) currants
- finely grated zest of 1 large lemon
- 180 ml (¾ cup) unsweetened non-dairy milk (I use soy)
We would describe the process of steaming and preparing this incredible treat, but we think it’s best left to Domestic Gothess. We prefer to serve up delicious satire and an accounting of how much money billionaires make.
Like a billionaire, the only real contribution we made to this recipe was to suggest it be used as an accoutrement to the delicious Bill Gates that you are preparing to harvest. Remember, harvesting billionaires takes time, and it takes a lot of small actions from everyone. So, we have to stay nourished and sustained throughout the grinding effort of the harvest.
This delicious recipe will reward your effort spent unpleasantly thinking about Bill’s unsavory escapades with a most delicious steamed pudding. Cheers!